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10 Steps Towards Mental-Wrecking Misery: A Complete Guide to Failure

Brain Explosion
  • 1.Just Learn It

    Forget about understanding and digesting the information. Employ the widely applicable techniques of rote learning to accumulate as much information as humanly possible. Forget about humanly. Hide it in the nooks and crannies of your brain like a hamster hides his grain.

    Do not be one of those innovative fools that try to attach associations to their memories or waste time discussing them with their peers. Nobody’s got time for that. You do not need those plebian methods when you’ve got your almighty brain.

    The best always comes last. So, don’t you dare touch your textbooks until the last day before an exam. It is futile trying to learn gradually when you can get it all the night before. Why bother, if you can just learn it.

  • 2.Ditch the Deadlines

    Who wants to drag along such burden? Deadlines are for office simpletons. You don’t want to be like them. So, you discard those shackles and wander into the world of time fluidity.

    You’ve got no time limits, so you are not in a hurry. Lying in bed all day is bliss when you push your obligations farther into the unforeseen future. Nobody bothers you with any offers. They already know better than to deal with you.

    However, sooner rather than later the Day arrives. It wakes you up from your slumber with a horrific clangor of urgency. So, the whole day and, of course, night you find yourself frantically slamming the keyboard in an attempt to produce something of value. No matter the efforts, your teacher, boss or colleague is left unimpressed.

    What do they even know about true creativity? They say you are in denial. You say those deadlines cling to you like burdocks.

  • 3.Sleep Is for the Weak

    You already know you are superior. You do not need to concern yourself with time constraints. Why bother, if you’ve got 24 hours in a day. The whole 24 hours.

    You know if you crank your brain just a bit more, you will produce tremendous results. Working 24 hours a day is your work-life balance. You scorn at those who go out with their friends and families. Those mere mortals are simply not capable of adhering to the right work ethic.

    You are envious of your computer. Its around-the-clock efficiency fascinates you. You wish you could just plug yourself in and keep working. Night time is such a detriment for your productivity. You try to imitate your computer in its resilience, but often wake up the next morning drooling all over the desk.

  • 4.Stay Home

    You want to be safe. Those street muggers are there to get you. Those salesmen are always ready to trick you. The sun is bound to burn you.

    Moreover, it’s not like you’ve got all the time in the world. Completing your thesis must remain your top-one priority. You say, you want to take a stroll and clear your thoughts? Well, too bad. No rest for the wicked, my friend.

    Staying home will ensure no radical thought permeates your brain. Your writing will be prim and proper like your reflection in the mirror. No sign of life will be able to smudge it.

  • 5.Forget Your Friends’ Birthdays

    Forget they even exist. They are the ultimate distraction. Those losers think they can get better jobs and still remain your friends. Tell them to think one more time.

    You do not want outside problems stealing your valuable time. Friends can encroach upon your life like mosquitoes in humid Florida. They will derail your carefully laid plans and will push your life into the wilderness of new experience and emotions. You don’t want that. See step # 4.

    What is even more dangerous, they can challenge your way of thinking. Those subversive elements must be eliminated from your life, if you want to stay the same. This is a key element of success in this enterprise.

  • 6.Eat Whatever

    After you have removed the extraneous distractions such as people and nature, you can move on to transforming your diet. Here there is only one rule – no rules at all.

    If you want to set a new record in cheeseburger gorging, that is a noble undertaking. Vegetables and fruits being so expensive only fools would spend money on them. Forget the concept of due date. It is a marketing trick that exists only to force you to buy new produce.

    Do not fall for the healthy diet craze. You know what tastes good is the actual good. Life is too short to spend it on yogurt and salads.

  • 7.Muse About Your Failures

    Even if you fulfill only this step, you will succeed. I am saying this just to underscore its importance.

    Remember that time your significant other dumped you? Or that time you did not get a job offer? Do not forget about the school bullying or failed SAT’s! Those experiences are going to define you for the rest of your life. Capisce?

    The more you deliberate on them, the more of a mental wreck you become. Just don’t let the positive thoughts slip in inadvertently. Even though if you stay home and avoid friendships it is not likely to happen. You are vaccinated against optimism.

  • 8.Make a Mess

    Remember, you are a creative personality with no fixed schedule, alienated and abandoned. Making a mess in your room will contribute greatly to the overall image.

    It is not hard to make a mess. First of all, do not take out the trash. Let it pile up in your kitchen like Scrooge McDuck’s treasures. You can try building them into elegant towers to give more space for your artistry.

    Secondly, never make your bed. You barely get out of it at this point, why bother making it?

    Finally, let go of your inhibitions. You do not want society to impose its standards upon your house. Your goal is not to fit in, but rather get out.

  • 9.Follow the Tide

    The principle of least resistance should become the principal directive of your life. Do not try to become better than you are. Remember, you are already perfect. Nothing you can do can change it.

    Feelings like your routines are making you feel lax and indifferent? Pessimism is crippling your heart and loneliness becoming the central theme of your life? Flunked out of college and lost your job? Congratulations! You are almost there.

    Fools resist the tide, but people like you know when to accept the inevitable. You know your place in life hierarchy. You are not going to undermine the status quo.

  • 10.And Finally… Stay Still

    The less active you are, the most likely you are to turn into a mental wrack. Try not committing yourself to any activities as it increases the risk of endorphin and dopamine release. The more lethargic and slothful you become, the better will be your results.

    Hopefully, you got that the goal is to do the opposite of these ten tips. Students often succumb to such behavioral patterns during college which renders their life miserable. Please, take this article as a precaution, and if you feel like something in it applies to you, take action immediately. Do not let your happiness slip out of your life. 

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